Word of the Year - PLAY

Play Yes its February and I'm just now sharing my Word of the Year.  But it seems appropriate to do so now since I received my word bracelet from Kolleen yesterday and I was reminded why I chose this word.

I grew up a little too fast.  My parents divorced when I was 13 and when my mom went to work I took care of my little brother.  My mom would probably argue that it wasn't my responsibility and she never asked me to do it but I somehow felt the need to take on that role.  And my brother would always say to me..."you're not my mother".  I was always a pretty cautious person, still am, and I don't like to "break the rules".  When there's a sign that says stay off the grass...I wouldn't dare step on the grass.  And break a law...would never even consider it!

Last year, my word was EASE.  And even though the year had some challenges, I dealt with a sense of ease.  So this year I needed to shake things up a bit.  I need more Fun and more Joy in my life.  I decided that Play encompassed all of these.

Play to me, means to lighten up more, have fun, try things I might not normally try, let loose a bit.  So with that in mind, I joined a dating site, I bought a hula hoop (which I still have not learned to use) and I vowed to say yes to more play.

Ah yes, the dating site.  In several previous posts I stated that I would probably not be writing about dating stories because I met someone who sparked my interest.  Well, as quickly as that began it has since ended.  There are several reasons but needless to say I am back into the dating pool and we shall see what happens.  So I may be sharing some fun dating stories after all.

I also hope to be sharing more PLAY-ful posts.

Did you choose a word of the year?  Care to share?

Opening Up

IMG_4767 There is trust involved in opening up to someone new.  Letting them see the good and the bad.  Letting them know your hopes and fears and dreams.  Trying not to let your past influence your present.  Trying to be in the moment and not thinking too far ahead nor looking back at how things unfolded before.  Letting go of the fear of getting hurt or worse yet hurting them.  Keeping the fears at bay.

Opening up your heart to the possibilities.  Letting love in.

Swirling Energy

Over the last few weeks, I had a horrible pain in my left leg.  I could not figure out the origin point.  Acupuncture was helping for short periods of time but wasn't eliminating it completely.  A massage, however, did pinpoint the origin of pain...it was actually my sacrum that was way out of whack.  As I was laying on the massage table and feeling some relief, I thought about the sacral chakra and wondered if it had been blocked.  I don't know much about chakras except that they are energy centers in our body.  The sacral chakra is about feeling and sexuality and when the energy is flowing you are open to intimacy and passion.

Interesting timing.

The day after my massage, I had a first date.  I was unusually nervous that morning getting ready.  I couldn't stop shaking and I had no idea what was wrong with me.  I don't remember the last time I felt that way. So I headed off a bit early to meet my date...I just couldn't stay in the house any longer.

I'm not going to give you all the details of the date, just a few highlights.  We met at 1pm and parted ways around 9pm with plans already made to meet the next day.  We were both like giddy school kids.  The conversation was easy and the silences comfortable.  And the energy coursing through me never let up.  A brush of his hand against mine, and it just shot right through me.  That night I barely slept.  Logically none of it makes sense.  He says it magic and maybe that's it.

The next evening I talked to a friend who does energy work (he does more than that but its easier to say energy work) who explained that the energy I'm feeling is my chakras opening and the energy is flowing freely.  This immediately made sense to me especially after having my massage and thinking about my sacral chakra.  He gave me some great ideas on how to calm the energy enough to sleep, which helped immensely.

Now we're a couple days out from that first date and every time I get a text message or phone call, the energy intensifies...kind of like butterflies in your stomach but different.  I can't explain it and quite honestly I don't want to.  I'm getting used to this new way, this swirling energy, and I like this feeling.  I'm taking it one day at a time and enjoying each moment.

I may not be writing much about the online dating world but I have a feeling I'm going to be writing about other more exciting things.  Stay tuned...

Back in the Swing...

IMG_0442 I have been way too quiet here.  I am planning to remedy that...if anyone is still reading.  I want, no, need to make a regular practice of writing so here goes.  A quick recap of the end of the year and then some things that are happening now.

During the holidays, well the month of December really, I went into a bit of a depression fueled by some anxiety that I didn't understand.  I was also in some physical pain and it got to the point that I just wanted to sit and cry all day.  Instead I decided to give acupuncture a try and it has made such a HUGE difference!  I am so grateful that it has helped me.  I think the holidays can be hard for alot of people and I wish I had written here during that time but I was deep in my muck.  Which, looking back, would have been the best time to write.

Now we're in the New Year...2013.  We're half way through January and I feel like I've made some significant shifts already.  I've been clearing out...literally cleaning out closets, getting rid of old stuff that I no longer wear or fits...still more to do but getting there slowly but surely.

I've also been clearing out emotional space.  I have let go of a couple of relationships that no longer serve me.  I didn't even realize they were taking up any emotional space until I let go and then felt a lightness.  Its amazing what we hold onto physically and emotionally without even realizing it.

Now on to the fun stuff.  One of my dear friends called me on a Thursday around 3pm, hopped on a plan and was here a mere 5 hours later.  We had a great visit and it made me realize I need to be more spontaneous.  She left on Sunday and Monday morning I signed up for an online dating site.  Just jumped right in.  What does one have to do with the other...oh it was a topic of conversation over the weekend so when she left I decided to just DO IT!

I have been pretty much alone the last 2 years and I feel like I've need that time to become comfortable alone.  I am now and I actually like being alone and am no longer in the space where I feel like I need a relationship but I would like to share time with someone.  So...in this technological age, I asked a couple of friends which site is working for them, and I signed up.  Its been an interesting process so far.  I've gone into this with no expectations which makes it so much easier.  There have been some pretty amusing emails, messages, etc.  I am thinking about a blog series about it...I just need to figure out how to share some of these messages without sharing too much personal information.

Well that's a longer post than I had planned but there's a lot to say.  I will be back with my word of the year and hopefully some great stories from the world of online dating.  Until then...tell me what you've been up to.  I've missed it here...hopefully you have too!

Personal Space

photo-2 She fell into my lap putting her luggage in the overhead, then turned with a startled look, "I'm so sorry, I didn't even see you there"

He spilled his glass of Sprite with ice on the tray table in front of him, some of the ice landing in my seat.  He apologized profusely while wiping away the cubes.

She kept leaning into me like I was the back of her chair, pulling away then doing it again.

All the while, little Jack, kept screaming across the aisle...mom kept walking him up and down trying to calm him, but for over four hours it was almost impossible.  Until of course, the plane starts descending into Atlanta...then he was silent.

Stuck in a little 2x2 seat with barely any leg room for hours on end.  Trying to maintain my personal space while sharing it with 150 other people.  Forced to sit still for hours on end.

I do this because its the quickest and easiest way to spend time with friends who are spread out across the country.  It is so worth those hours in flight or in the airport to share time with dear friends, to laugh until my stomach hurts, to dance until my legs tire, to talk into the night, to wake up a wee bit hung over because my bestie kept feeding me beer.  I do this because, to me, it is so very important to have these real connections and to spend as much time as possible with these friends and because I love them all so dearly.  And I would do it again tomorrow if I could.

Gratitude Week - Day 4

Today was a rainy, chilly day here in NC.  It seems to me that we're having alot of days like this lately.  I still found a few things to be grateful for though.

  • Having lunch with my friend Penny and her cutie-pie daughter
  • Giggling when I played the word "fart" in words with friends for 45 points
  • Enjoying some dark chocolate with sea salt and Wine...oh so good together

It really is the little things.

You can join in over at Michelle's blog

Gratitude Week - Day 3

I fell asleep hard on the couch last night before I got a chance to post my list for the day.  So, I'm posting now and you'll probably see another one this evening. Today (Wednesday), I am grateful....

  • that I can afford health care insurance that covers my chiropractor
  • for coffee and great conversation with a new friend
  • for the text message that read NO CANCER!
  • when clients get so excited about doing Pilates
  • that I did not sleep on the couch all night

What are you grateful for today?

You can join Gratitude Week over here.

Gratitude Week - Day 2

Today, I am grateful for:

  • that moment, first thing in the morning, when I wake up, before getting out of bed to start the day
  • raking leaves in the nice warm weather yesterday (even if leaves keep falling), instead of in the cold today
  • a warm blanket and hot cup of tea on this cold rainy day
  • Whole Foods hot food bar ~ so I didn't have to cook dinner
  • Allie crawling in my lap as I'm typing this post

What are you grateful for today?

Gratitude Week - Day 1

I am joining Michelle in her Gratitude Week. Today, I am grateful...

  • for a quiet Monday morning with no appointments and no need to rush out the door
  • for a warm sunny day in November
  • that my dear friend who had surgery on Friday was moved out of ICU today
  • for the Sunday crossword that lasts me a couple of days
  • for dark chocolate with sea salt
  • for this day and this moment.

Want to join in?  Post to your blog, share it on Facebook or don't share it at all, but write it in your journal just for you.

Gratitude - Week 2

This has been an emotional roller coaster week.  I have tried to focus on the good things each day, some days its easier than others.

With that said...

  • My brother John has been gone a long time...this year his birthday was particularly emotional for me.  I'm grateful for the time we had together in this life and I'm grateful for the times I feel him near me now.
  • I'm grateful for friends who rally around another friend, that they don't even know, lighting candles, saying prayers and sending out positive energy
  • I'm grateful for a dear friend who came through a major surgery and has the best attitude
  • I'm grateful for text message shenanigans
  • I'm grateful for warm, sunny days in November
  • I'm grateful for long naps instead of doing yard work
  • I'm grateful that the election is over and I don't have to here anymore political ads
  • I'm grateful for Sunday afternoons with nowhere to be

What are you grateful for?

I will be joining Michelle tomorrow for Gratitude Week 2012.  Want to join in too?

Gratitude - Week 1

Since November is traditionally the month of Giving Thanks, I am going to strive to do a weekly Gratitude list.  Hopefully I will continue it past November, but baby steps.

Its hard to believe that its been less than a week since Sandy wreaked havoc from Haiti to Cuba and Outer Banks to the Jersey Shore, Hoboken and New York City.  The photos of the devastation are heartbreaking, yet amongst all the destruction there are people coming together to help one another.  Every time we have a major disaster, people wake up and realize that we're all in this together and we need to help each other.  Now, how about we continue that support and love long past the tragedies.  Imagine how wonderful life could be if we showed each other a little more love and compassion.

On to my gratitude list...

  • Grateful that my friends are all well and safe.  Even though they may not have electricity yet, in this technological age, we are still able to stay in touch.
  • Grateful for my Thai massage last night with the lovely Penny.  I am still sore this morning but I know I will feel better later.
  • Grateful that I live in a country where I can vote.
  • Grateful for the sky this week that has been an ever changing work of art.
  • Grateful for long eye-opening conversations with friends who get me thinking about my future.
  • Grateful for coffee with a new friend and instant connection.
  • Grateful for quiet mornings.
  • Grateful for Sunday morning crosswords that crack me up.  Clue:  Righto  Answer:  Youbetcha (seriously could not make that up)
  • Grateful that I am able to put food on the table.
  • Grateful for a clean bill of health.
  • Grateful for everyone who reads this blog and even though I may not always reply to your comments, I read and appreciate every single one.  Not always sure why you read my blog, but I am grateful.
  • And last but not least, I am grateful for this life, this moment, this cup of coffee.

What are you grateful for today?

How to*

How to Procrastinate

  • Wake up early before the sun rises
  • Make a fresh pot of coffee
  • Warm  milk on the stove
  • Feed cat
  • Froth milk and sugar
  • Pour in coffee
  • Open up laptop
  • Check email, skipping over the ones you don't want to deal with yet
  • Check instagram
  • Play words with friends
  • Check Facebook, comment on posts, update status
  • Make a second cup of coffee, then breakfast
  • Check schedule for the day
  • Read emails that were skipped earlier
  • Shower
  • Check to see if anyone else liked your Instagram or Facebook post
  • Get dressed
  • Play another word
  • Put on makeup
  • Give cat more food
  • Run out the door at the last minute to go teach

*Written in Raw Matters class with Maya Stein at Squam by the Sea last Thursday. Prompt was "how to" or "I know".  Her prompts were great and I will be sharing more writing from her class over time.  It was great fun to write and play with her!

The Truth is...

While there have been subtle and not so subtle shifts in my life.  And while I am more comfortable in my own skin, the truth is...

There are some days when I don't work out

I still watch Days of Our Lives...just now on hulu

Sometimes dinner is the jar of almond butter with a spoon

I will leave clothes in the dryer and just pull them out as needed...for days (ok, weeks)

I'll leave dishes in the sink overnight or all day

While I try to be present in each moment, I do think about the past and wonder 'what if?'

Even though I enjoy my solitude, some nights I'd like to come home to someone who I can cuddle with on the couch, who is not my cat

Somedays its not 'all good'

I know that I can't fix things for you but dammit I really really wish I could

I'm not sure what my passion is and I'm really trying to figure that out

I spend more money than I make and sometimes it stresses me out but I don't normally let on that it does

Sometimes I curl up on the couch and watch tv for hours

And somedays, I don't leave my house, don't talk to anyone, don't even get out of my pjs.

The truth is...life is not all sunshine and roses...sometimes its weeds and rain.  But I believe that it is all exactly as it is supposed to be...the good, the bad, the ugly.  The truth is...I don't think I'd change any bit of it.

Subtle Shifts

The things that used to seem so important that aren't anymore.  College football on a Saturday afternoon.  Trying to 'fit in' wherever I go.  Needing someone to go with me to watch a band or eat out.  Feeling the urge to pick up the phone whenever I'm feeling down so I can have someone else tell me its all going to be ok, even though I  already know it will.  Keeping quiet when I have something I really want to say for fear of ruffling some feathers.  Constantly needing approval.

Ok so some of these aren't small subtle changes but they've happened slowly over time.  Maybe its a self confidence that comes with age.  Maybe its this awakening into knowing what really matters in this life.  Paying more attention to what feels right deep down in the core of my being.

I like these shifts, I feel more like Me.  I know more shifts are coming, some subtle, some not so much.  While I may not know exactly what these shifts are, I know that they will be exactly what is needed.

There is a mantra I say when I feel a bit of fear creeping in, usually late at night when I hear strange noises, I am safe and I will always be ok.

Have you noticed subtle shifts in your life?  How does it make you feel?  Do you have a mantra that helps you work through the fear?

Beginnings

Some people think of September 1st as the start of Fall but here in the south we were still in the 90's part of the month.  Today, however, on October 1st, its cool and rainy and all I want to do is cuddle up under warm blankets, drink hot tea and read...that is Fall to me.  Instead I am waiting for my landlord and roofer to get here as I have a leak in my bedroom.  I am drinking a hot cup of tea and thinking about beginnings.

October 1st, the beginning of a new month, a month where the weather turns cooler and I tend to start my hibernation.  I am also beginning a couple of e-courses.  One is Spirits of Joy and the other is the Jumpstart Creativity Tour online course.  Add these to the 2 other e-courses that I'm way behind on and I've got a lot of creative projects to get started.  I used to get down on myself if I didn't keep up with the courses I was in and then I'd just give up on them because I was so far behind.

Today, I am committing to begin each morning with one or more of the courses, reading the posts and watching the videos.  Then when I have time throughout my day, I will pick up a brush and paint or a pen and write or sit in meditation...following whatever is that day's prompt(s).   And if I happen to fall behind, I will begin again tomorrow.

This holds true for so many things in life, in any given moment or on any given day, we can choose to begin again.

This week...

Yesterday I got home from work with grand plans to go into town to an artist reception and maybe grab a drink and dinner at a local restaurant.  Instead I sat on the couch and caught up on some shows on Hulu.  Grey's Anatomy was the first show, and boy what a sad show.  When they took McSteamy off life support, memories came flooding back of my brother when we had to do the same.  Then I was thinking of my dear friend who lost her dog around the time I was watching the show.

The tears started flowing.  Not one of those uncontrollable crying fits but a small steady stream of tears.

Then there was the loss of a friendship over a series of text messages and oh yeah... Thursday would have been my 15th wedding anniversary.  All in all a pretty shit week.  So I didn't try to stifle the tears and just let them come and go as needed.

This is life, right?  good days and bad, weeks with nothing eventful happening and then those weeks that nothing can go right.  I know I have a pretty great life and most of the time I probably would have stopped the tears telling myself that there's no need to cry...you have a pretty great life.  Sometimes though you need to let the tears fall...a good cleansing flow of tears.

Retreat and Re-entry

Five years ago, I attended Squam Art Workshops for the first time.  I went reluctantly, fearfully into those woods, not knowing what to expect, knowing that I was not an artist, knowing that somehow I would be found out, that I would sit in the corner, and everyone else who was there "belonged", they were artists, photographers, writers, but not me.  I was so very wrong, I did belong there, I was meant to be in those woods and make life-long friends, create art, write stories and learn more about myself.  That first year, it was so hard to come home and integrate what had happened in those woods into my every day life.  It was difficult to sustain that energy, that love, that support, that creativity into a daily practice.  Coming home from Squam, a type of depression would sink in, I'd go into a funk and it was just plan HARD!  The first couple of years that I would go to those woods and find a little more of myself, I'd come home and fall back into that funk.  Each year it would be a little shorter, but it was still there.

Fast forward to this year, the fifth anniversary of Squam Art Workshops.  I entered those woods a more confident, more complete woman.  There was no fear or apprehension, no wondering if I belonged there.  I know it was exactly where I was meant to be.  I was surrounded by the most amazing women, friends ~ most of whom I had met in those woods over the years.  This year, those friendships deepened.  There were some new connections made too and I look forward to those friendships blossoming.  I had more FUN in those woods then ever before.  So much laughter and joy, dance parties, lying on the dock looking at stars, skinny dipping in the lake, soaking up the sun while a dear friend played her guitar and sang so sweetly, conversations with new and old friends and totally BEING in each moment.

Coming home this year was easier.  It may be because I will see some of those friends again in October at Squam by the Sea, it may be because of the constant text messaging since coming home, it may be because of the fun banter on facebook or the goofy photos.  I think the real reason that its easier, this re-entry, is that I know that these friends will be in my life forever, they're not just friends by the lake, we'll make plans to gather again on a regular basis, we'll make the effort to touch base and check in, we'll celebrate the joys in life and be supportive during the tough times.  Re-entry is also easier, because I'm a different person than I was 5 years ago.  More comfortable in my own skin, more sure of my self, more ME then ever before.

I look forward to more retreats, because they are important to me.  I hope that you are able find some time to retreat, whether its in the woods or by the sea or in your own home.  A place to reconnect with your friends, your family, your self.  And I wish for you an easy re-entry because it makes it all so much sweeter.

**on another note, I have finally entered the 21st century and have a fancy iPhone.  you can find me on Instagram (my new addiction) as myredtutu**