Out of the Shadows

IMG_6674This photo of Allie starting longingly outside sums up how I was feeling this winter.  Wanting to be outside but yet needing my solitude.  Wanting to hide yet to be seen.  It was a contradiction on so many levels.  I wanted to start dating again but didn't want make to much of an effort.  Then when Spring came, something shifted, I wanted to get out and play more.  So I started the online dating again, started hanging out with friends more, started walking and getting outside more and feeling social again.  Then Summer showed up and I felt like hiding again.  Not that I didn't want to be outside or with friends, but I got discouraged with the online dating.  I saw two ex-boyfriends that got me thinking about my choices in life.  So I went into reflection mode, although I do that all the time, somehow it felt different this time.  I unsubscribed to the dating sites, I stopped dating anyone and cleared out my social calendar.  I sat by the pool by myself, avoiding the social activity happening on the other side.  I needed my solitude.  This past holiday weekend though, I went down to the pool and actually felt social.  I met new neighbors, I reconnected with some old neighbors, one even told me he was happy I was out of hiding, and I really enjoyed myself.  I even met some single neighbors, so we'll see what happens there.  I feel more open to possibilities, more open to life, and more open to love... Then yesterday, I had a past life reading which was fascinating to say the least.  And if you don't believe in that stuff, that's cool, but I do and so am totally blown away.  I'm still reflecting on all of it...a Revolutionary War soldier (for the British), a French courtesan...all had interesting lessons.  The first life was the most incredible though and that is the woman I have been working to reclaim, without even knowing it!  I'm not going to share too much about her but just knowing that she was a strong, intuitive, secure Elder woman who was an equal with the men in her tribe, well that gives me an inner strength.  She was a storyteller too which of course has me thinking more about my writing.  The more I reflect on her, the more I see myself coming out of the shadows and reclaiming that part of me.  I feel like I've been hiding too long...it's definitely time to let go of the fear, trust myself and live THIS life to the fullest.


How to*

How to Procrastinate

  • Wake up early before the sun rises
  • Make a fresh pot of coffee
  • Warm  milk on the stove
  • Feed cat
  • Froth milk and sugar
  • Pour in coffee
  • Open up laptop
  • Check email, skipping over the ones you don't want to deal with yet
  • Check instagram
  • Play words with friends
  • Check Facebook, comment on posts, update status
  • Make a second cup of coffee, then breakfast
  • Check schedule for the day
  • Read emails that were skipped earlier
  • Shower
  • Check to see if anyone else liked your Instagram or Facebook post
  • Get dressed
  • Play another word
  • Put on makeup
  • Give cat more food
  • Run out the door at the last minute to go teach

*Written in Raw Matters class with Maya Stein at Squam by the Sea last Thursday. Prompt was "how to" or "I know".  Her prompts were great and I will be sharing more writing from her class over time.  It was great fun to write and play with her!